More Than Anything
by thenameiskeri
Summary: *During Casino Night. Directly after the kiss.* Though she still needs him to be in love with her, she doesn't want to know that he's in love with her.


_I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,_

_And each road leads you where you want to go._

She says his name and it stops him.

Whispering it so gently, her shoulders tensed, her fingers becoming frigidly still inside his. Everything in him presses him forward, tells him that if he moves just a fraction of an inch closer, she'll be his. Again, and again. That once his lips are over hers, she won't be able to deny this thing between them.

But she says his name, and she stops him.

_And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose_

_I hope you choose the one that means the most to you._

He looks down at her as if he's never seen her before, as though this is the first and last time he'll ever be this close again, "You're _really_ going to marry him?"

She freezes for an eternity, then nods. She does so because she can't find the words to tell him, because she has not yet convinced herself that Roy is what she wants. But she knows what she owes him, what she promised him, and fear and the past stop her from welcoming a brand new future.

His heart breaks into more pieces than he ever knew possible, his eyes penetrating hers, "Okay."

Somehow, he finds a way to accept it, half knowing the moment before he kissed her that she'd never be his. He releases her hands unwillingly, suddenly unable to catch an even breath in this small, small space.

He takes a shaky step backward, his eyes falling to ground, tears once again clouding his vision.

_And if one door opens to another closed,_

_I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window_

_If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile_

It hits her all too suddenly. More than his shocking confession, more than the kiss that stole her breath.

This. Right here. His hands slipping away from hers. The absence, and the distance. It hurts too much. He begins to turn, to walk out, to run away. And she can't do it. She just can't.

It's hard to find her voice, but she summons the strength to gather it, "Jim."

He stops again, his eyes once again rising to meet hers. But they're devastating now. Broken, torn, and gone. His eyes are the darkest she's ever seen, and a thick lump forms at the base of her throat. He only shakes his head at her, "Don't." He manages to hold back the tears, keeping a good amount of space between them, "There's nothing else you need to say." His voice falters, "I get it. I really do."

But she doesn't get it. She doesn't get anything of this. She only remembers him sitting across from her at a poker table, his eyes light, a smirk tugging the corners of his lips, and now, distant, and defensive. She doesn't want him to go, doesn't know how to break this moment. She only wants him here, with her, "I just...I need you to understand."

_But more than anything, more than anything_

_My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to_

But he doesn't want to understand. He accepts what has happened. She has made her choice, and he isn't it. She's going to marry Roy despite the fact that she now knows he loves her, disregarding the kiss they just shared. She's going to marry another man, and he has to accept that they will never be more than friends.

The air becomes thick, the ache too much to bear. He can't look at her suddenly. His hands shove deep in his pockets, stopping him from reaching out and touching her. His head falls again, his eyes shut closed. He can't be here, he can't stand here with her like this forever. He doesn't want to watch from afar anymore. He wants to kiss her again, wants to hold her in his arms, wants to wake up beside her every morning. But he won't. She's wearing Roy's ring on her finger, and that must mean more to her than whatever they could be.

He almost hates her when he hears her stifle a sob, "I have to go, Pam."

She's sobbing now, tears soaking her cheeks, her shoulders rising and falling from the weight of his confession and her cries. "_Please_."

_Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,_

_You never need to carry more than you can hold._

She doesn't want it to end like this, but can't see how else it can. He's backing away slowly, praying that physically moving away will eventually lead to his heart moving away from hers. And then he tells her. He does it abruptly, at the exact wrong moment, unable to keep anything inside anymore.

"I'm leaving Scranton."

Her eyes immediately rise to meet his, her mouth falling slightly open as his words begin to register in her mind. But none of it seems to make sense to her. It feels like he's speaking an entirely different language, or she's in the middle of a dream she can't wake from. Either way, she needs this to be not true. She needs to go back to a time before kisses and confessions and casino nights. She needs them to be normal, or everything else will fall apart.

Though she still needs him to be in love with her, she doesn't want to know that he's in love with her.

_ And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,_

_I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,_

_Yeah, this is my wish._

He sighs heavily, his shoulders falling, "I really think it's for the best." Her crying stops all too quickly, her eyes searching his face. His tongue sweeps over his bottom lip, almost tasting her there, as he swallows hard, "I really..." He shifts his weight to his left foot, leaning slightly forward, a hand escaping his pocket and nearly reaching out to her, "I hope you get everything you want for in this life. Because...you do deserve everything it has to offer you. "

She can't quite believe her ears, his words feeling like a goodbye she can't accept. She wipes her face of the tears, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ears, "Where...I don't..."

He quickly interrupts her, her voice too much to bear now, "I'm transferring to Stamford. Connecticut. I'll...I'm...I'm moving there next week."

_I hope you never look back, but you never forget_

_All the ones who love you, in the place you left_

She blew out a breath, trying to remain calm and still. Her mind rattled. He had loved her, he had kissed her, he was leaving her. And she had to deal with all of this in a matter of an hour. Her life was changing right before her eyes, and she was absolutely powerless to stop it.

The world had stopped spinning and she was stuck in the worst moment of her life.

"You're _leaving_?"

_I hope you always forver, and you never regret_

_And you help somebpdy every chance you get_

Her voice broke, and so did he. A single tear escaped its prison, shining brightly down his stubbled cheek, over his lips, "I have to. I can't stay here and..." He stopped, quickly brushing at his cheek, the curse of his imagination creating her wedding to Roy, vowing herself to Roy at the altar, kissing Roy as her husband, making love to Roy on their honeymoon. And he feared that what his imagination created would soon turn into a devastating reality. He exhaled, "I _have_ to."

She took a step forward then, breaking their distance, unable to be far away from him any longer, "When...when are you coming back?" Her eyes searched his, "_Are_ you coming back?"

He shook his head, close enough to her now to feel the heat radiating off her body, smelling that faint scent of vanilla in her hair. God, he hated how much he loved her. His voice was no more than a whisper,

"I don't know."

_And you find God's grace, in every mistake,_

_And you always give more than you can take._

Shock faded away, defeat refused to set it, disappointment came to a startling head, and anger approached with fury.

She pushed hard into his chest with the palms of her hands, stunning him enough to knock him off balance, taking a step back to gather himself, forcing him to grab her hands for balance.

Her face turned a bright red, new tears glistening in her eyes, "Were you gonna tell me? Were you? Or would I just have walked in on Monday morning and found you gone?" He encircled her wrists tight between his fingers, instinctively pulling her closer to him, "Didn't I deserve a goodbye at least? Don't I?"

His grip loosened, but he didn't let go, "I tried. I did. But you...you're gonna marry Roy and I...God, Pam." He cupped her face in his hands, "If you and me, if_ this_ is never gonna happen..." She watched his heart break, "...then I need to find a way to move on."

He waited a moment, just a single moment, before his hands released her. Then, he turned, didn't give her the chance to say something to stop him or reach out and grab him. He walked the other way as fast as feet could carry him, and he didn't look back. He thought he might have heard her cries, but he never stopped to find out. He couldn't. He couldn't play the games, the sweetness and the sarcasm, the back and forth for the rest of his life.

_But more than anything, more than anything_

He couldn't be second anymore.

He walked and walked, out of the office, down the stairs, through the parking lot, into his car, down the road, to his house, up his stairs, through his closets and drawers. He packed everything, leaving not a trace of him behind, finally ready to face a future without her in it.

He hoped the best for her, prayed that she would fulfill all the dreams she had for herself, even wished that Roy would be the greatest of all husbands. And he told himself that he could love her from afar, at a distance, quite possibly for the rest of his life.

_I hope you know somebody loves you_

After an extremely long night of fighting, confessing, kissing, leaving, and packing, Jim fell into his bed face first, collapsing into a pit of despair and sorrow. His eyes felt heavy with tire and wear, but his ears heard a distinct knock on his door.

The moment his eyes fluttered open so did his bedroom door.

And there stood his future. Clad in a blue dress, hair pinned up, mascara running down her cheeks, looking more beautiful than he'd ever seen her.

"Jim."

_Yeah, this is my wish_

She says his name and it stops him.


End file.
